It's been a tough day today. I've been unbearably grouchy, spent much of the day frustrated, my kids knew I was cranky (stressed out and not coping with normal daily stuff well) and it showed...Justin ran around like a nut and Ginny screamed half the day.
I'm stressed to the max. It doesn't help that I spent money we don't have (aka on credit) to buy a few things for the house. Tim works so darned hard and I feel like crap for spending a few hundred on some furniture/organization type stuff I wanted (read WANTED not needed) for our family. As a result I've been listing a few things for sale on the local CheapCycle and Craigs List to help offset the costs. When I stress out majorly I tend to shop...aka shopping therapy...only it's an expensive habit. I ordered a queen air mattress that sits up off the floor (we have a Select Comfort mattress that I hate, I hurt so bad in the AM/early afternoon as a result and it's on the floor, no bed frame or anything) (dh and I LOVE the air mattresses!) I ordered two 6-drawer translucent rolling carts to store some of Tim's office stuff in the closet and homeschooling stuff out here in the livingroom. Lastly, I ordered 2 cabinets that have chalkboard fronts on the doors so I can put stuff in there and use a baby-proof cabinet lock so Ginny can't get in there, but J and I can (homeschool stuff, toys with small parts). I'm working on creating a "space" for J and I for homeschooling.
Our couch, TV, and Tim's computer is in J's old bedroom (2nd bedroom), and our school/work/play area is the entire livingroom (the biggest room/part of our 1000 sq ft apt), and Tim sleeps days on the couch and when he's home we sleep on the queen on the floor of the master bedroom, J's twin mattress on the floor to the right of us and Ginny's toddler bed to the left of us. Sometimes J wants to sleep on the futon bed in the livingroom or on "daddy's couch". It works for us, for now. Not sure how well it'll work once Tim goes back to working days in September.
Okay, so I'm stressed out, in a lot of pain, feel like crying, and feel badly for being such a cranky wench to my dh and kids. I just want some time by myself...no kids, no dh, no worries...take a hot bath for as long as I want, read a book if I want to, take a nap, indulge in a little something sweet.
I'm still at 230-232 pounds...I'm not losing but I'm not gaining either. That doesn't really bother me (the weight or how I look as a result of being 5'5" tall and 230 pounds) until I get in a bathing suit and go to our apartment complex's pool (like today)...fortunately only two older ladies were there and they didn't seem to care. :)
Our lease here is up in a year (Aug 2009), so we're stuck living here until it runs out. Housing market is so bad and cost of living so high down here we're having a hard time making ends meet...then of course I go ahead and order stuff we DO NOT need. (argh!). I keep reminding myself that we have food, a roof over our heads, clothing and lots of love. Everything will work itself out.
I want this adoption done and over with already. Ginny will be a year old on Aug 15th and she's still not ours. I can't get our attorney to reply to my e-mails or return my calls, or even get to talk to a secretary. I need to know if Jenn (birth mom) got the letter and if she's sent it back or do I need to phone her, etc, if everything else is good to go for the adoption. We need to get Ginny on our health insurance already. Dr bills, office visits, meds, etc have taken their toll. Not that we'd change a thing, Ginny is OURS in every sense of belonging to our family. She's a WHEELER through and through.
Getting my arse in gear with my quilts...no reply from the lady who inquired about 3 t-shirt quilts for her kids for Christmas gifts. That's a bummer. No money to really spend for marketing and promotion, so doing what I can on my own (business cards, submitting website to search engines for ranking, blogging and MySpace'ing for networking and socialization, links in signature lines everywhere, etc). I've still got the crazy quilttop....haven't really found the RIGHT fabric for the backing and don't want to settle. Friend's mom gave me a lot of high-end decorators fabric...not sure if I'll use that to make REAL curtains for our home or part of my quilts/pet throws. One looks like a tan faux suede...I was thinking about taking that and reupholstering Tim's padded bench....Scottie (dog) and J and G have taken their toll on the cover and there's a nice big tear in it. I think he'd like it if I reupholstered it. Hmmm....need to get upholstery tacks, I do believe....Ace Hardware...perhaps tomorrow?!
I've had one Mountain Dew and 2 candybars to eat all day today. I'm starving, but my tummy is so upset (stress!) that I'm afraid to eat. I went back to my 2 in the AM and 3 in the PM Prozac regimen (as prescribed by my drs)...hoping that will help. In the meantime I'm not sure if I should take something for anxiety or not...probably will if I keep feeling like this.
I didn't cook lunch or even supper tonight...I feel like a dismal failure, yet again, at being a housewife and mom. I know it's the stress and anxiety talking, but still, it doesn't stop the tears from coming. Just a bad day for me, overall, today. Some days are like that. The more stress and anxiety the more pain I experience as part of the FMS....and no pain meds for that...gotta wait until it's unbearable so when I need them later in life they'll work for me (that's my mantra, anyways).
Well, off to see if I can stomach some cereal or something...maybe a freeze pop? Yumm...sounds yummily sweet!
Talk to ya tomorrow!
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